Grouper – Ruins

Focus shifts.

In the middle of September, I informed my director at work that I was tapped out. Five and a half year in operations positions at a transportation company and I was, to say the least, exhausted. He told me that he was sorry to hear that, and reminded me that the remainder of the year wasn’t going to get any easier. He recommended I apply for a new job in a Pricing position that would be less stressful but still busy, and allow me to keep my pay and benefits. I interview well and was a suitable candidate given five and a half years dealing with a specialty business segment — the exact segment of which the position I was applying was created to fill. I interviewed and was told they would get back to me the next week if I got the job. A few days later, I received a degrading email saying that if we didn’t want to keep up with the intensity required to make the account succeed, we should leave. I immediately informed my director that my last day would be October 18th, assuming I didn’t get the job I applied for. The remainder of that week was stressful — I was tired of my job, mad at the leadership, frustrated at my inability to reconcile the two, and shameful that I was choosing potential departure over powering through another busy season.

The following week I sent a follow up email and was offered the job I applied for. I recall quite thoroughly how I felt after I received that offer. The weight of the previous week was lifted — I could breathe. I started that position on Wednesday of last week. I like it so far, and time will tell what direction this takes me as my career rears its head. I don’t say any of this to defame anyone I’ve worked with in the past, but rather as simple observations of what I felt conflicting with what was in front of me.

After work I spent time with a friend of mine. I told her I wanted to buy a new pair of jeans, so we went shopping. Finding 29×30″ slim fit jeans isn’t an easy task, but I walked away with a pair I liked, to match the only other pair I wear. After that we went to a Vietnamese street food restaurant and talked about all the good stuff: coworker’s music tastes, healthy eating, mental illness, awful dates, the importance of writing, and more. A recent resurgence of what I consider a speech impediment has my mouth and brain on different pages, but words seemed to flow fine today.

I ended up getting home earlier than expected — it was barely dark. I had time to clean, shower, play a video game with some good friends, and, unexpectedly, do a little writing. Grouper has been the soundtrack to this full day, and since my words are sometimes not enough, I’ll end with hers:

Grouper – “Clearing”

Open up the window
Try to let the light out
Try to let the curtain float in
That way I can hear the water

Pulling on a pathway
Calling on the pathway
Whisper and passing
Shoes rattle and I was thinking I was running

And every time I see you
I have to pretend I don’t
You thought that it would help
But it’s only made us fall apart

I’m treading in the water
Human in the shadows
No longer your shadow
Clearing, I know where your light is

More or less nothing changes
Maybe I’ve been seeing things
Cry to yourself with worm that are
Going out of home

And can’t you see us fading
Soon there won’t be anyone there
It’s funny when you fuck up
No one really has to care

And sometimes I wish
That none of this had happened
Let our sad song
Be carried out to sea

And steady as the water
As tender as the evening
Where we hurry
Down to build a shadow

As softly as an echo
As solid as a triangle
Send a message as you
Where everything is walking, there’s a hallway

And maybe you were right
When you said I’d never been in love
How can I explain why it’s safer when
I feel alone

And what has been done
May never be undone
So take your sad song
And sail into the next life

And maybe you were right when you
Said I’d never been in love
How can I explain
Why it’s safer just to be alone