Billow Observatory – III: Chroma/Contour

It’s been a day.

My sleep was interrupted several times last night by a migraine. The pain was amplified by an accompanying dizziness. I requested a few extra hours of rest before heading to work. I didn’t feel comfortable or safe being behind the wheel in that state.

When I arrived at work, my muscles felt weak walking to my car. The intensity of the sun’s heat was magnified on the long walk from the very back of the parking lot. The chilled building immediately gave me goosebumps as I entered. I fumbled the keys in my pocket in an attempt to scan my badge. Lugging myself up four flights of stairs felt more draining than ever. As I sat down and logged in my computer, I looked at my hands: skinny, pale… I eyed the movement of each finger and corresponding veins and muscles. The world moves a little slower for me after I’ve suffered from a migraine. It’s easy for me to be more attentive during these times.

I interviewed for a new position within my company last Monday. I think it went well, or at least I have a lot of takeaways from it. I shadowed with a member of that team today. The swift, fluidity of his navigation through Excel and a host of foreign programs was heady to me. Maybe it was the medicine. I asked questions when able, and was as observant and inquisitive as always, but I have not for a moment felt entirely there. I went to the bathroom and freshened up. The upper outside edges of my nose get curiously dark when I am sleep deprived. It’s the one thing I look out for when I’m severely depressed or restless. They were very dark today. Someone later stopped by my desk and said I looked tired, and I just don’t have an alibi to object.

After work, I had a date lined up. It went well. It was the first time in a long time I’ve been able to be so open and honest, nothing withheld. I haven’t done a lot of laughing and smiling in the past year — I want more of that.

On the days where I’m not entirely here, what a blessing it is to find ways to feel complete.